I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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