Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
