I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Text me some of your sweat
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