I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
