Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
