yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
