Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
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Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just high enough for therapy.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
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He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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