Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
