well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
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What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
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Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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