Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
