Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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