girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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