Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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