You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
