i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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