Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
