I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
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You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
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I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.