my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
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I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
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I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless