I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
