Babe...You're really smothering me right now
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
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My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
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Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus