she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter