At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
They have beer where we have blood.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot