Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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