i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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