I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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