apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
