guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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