your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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