i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
