Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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