I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
