I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
