I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
