Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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