I'm passing your future prison.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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