Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
