i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
