shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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