wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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