The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
