We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
