I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
