He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
