Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
