Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
