no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
