he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
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dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
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I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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