He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
