first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
