I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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