I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
