The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
