On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
im about as happy as oj after his trial
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
