i jhust puked up my retainher.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
