What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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