I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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