yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
