If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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