A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
