I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I enjoy the company of your penis
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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