i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
